Surprise, Surprise

I've had people say to me "you'll be ok" "time will pass" "you deserved better anyway" and blah, blah, blah.  All encouraging words, yes, but it all means nothing when your going through heartbreak. It's been less than a month since my ex, who I was madly in love with, confessed that he was cheating on me for close to a year.  That moment felt like I had stopped breathing, possibly even living. But the crazy thing is, I couldn't even shed a tear. All cried out probably, because Lord knows I've done my share.  If you would have asked me months ago hypothetically how I would be, I'd probably say I wouldn't be eating, going out, or talking to anyone.  And I shocked the shit out of my own damn self because I'm doing all of that.  I think it's because really I knew I needed to let him go a while ago...and most of all that I DO deserve 10x better than him.  Even though there may be a sign or two of depression in my life (my place looks a effing mess), I'm getting the urges to turn them around.  And yea I had one of my "outta control" days...so what? It helped. Bottom line is I'm ok.  As much as someone will want to question that about me, it only matters what I know.  From time to time, I do think I may be depressed and don't realize it or masking my feelings with (somewhat) attention from other guys.  However, at the end of the day it's just me...by myself, which should be the worst time ever for me.  But guess what homeboys and homegirls, it's not.  Not even a little bit.  And that...that's what makes me smile.

One Simple Phrase

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for." This just spoke to me on so many levels. There's so many things I could and should be doing with myself right now.  Think I'm going to put this on my wall.

I Used To Be in Love With This Guy

I wish that statement could have been true. I wish I could turn off the fact that I'm extremely worried about him, even though he broke my heart in the worst way possible without even a care about me. I wish he wasn't in love with another girl. I wish he would care that he hurt me too and not just that he hurt her. I wish he wasn't so damaged. I wish I didn't tell her to give him another chance because I can't take knowing he's hurt. I wish I didn't still care more about his feelings than mine. I wish he could have seen that I wasn't going to leave him. I wish I didn't wake up still thinking about him. I wish I could let him go like that. I wish this pain would go away. I wish I could just not care. But most of all I wish I could say I used to be in love with this guy.