Sometimes It's Better to Go With the Flow

Sitting in Bobby's Burger Palace, feeling like I'm on our first date again.  Butterflies float around in my stomach as it seems like I'm looking at this man for the first time.  Maybe because this is the first time I'm seeing him in his scrubs, or perhaps its the amount of time that has passed since our last encounter.  Either way he appears to be more mature.  He looks sexy in his scrubs that he still has on from work.  His hair is sans curls, accentuating the birthmark by his right eye.  Eventually I get the courage to speak, "You know, for someone who claims he loves me you rarely ever say it."  He stares at me with his eyes slightly squinted and leans in, "Really?" "Uh, yea", I sarcastically reply.  He sits back and does his famous head titled to the left, eyes looking to the ceiling routine.  That's his "I'm about to do something crazy, but should I really go through with it?" face.  Next thing I know he's standing up with his arms outstreched, "I-".  "NO Stop!!" I immediately interject and beg him to sit down.  What was he going to say?  I don't know.  But I know he'll find any reason to make a scene.  (Yea that's something that I've learned to always be prepared for, though the "this can't be happening" feeling still comes along. )  After what felt like a whole 10 minutes of waiting for him to sit down, I had to ask, "what were you going to say?"  He replies with a combination that he has no idea drives me crazy.  A light laugh, with a smirk on his face, followed by him looking into my eyes.  "I love this girl."

...maybe next time I should keep my mouth shut.

...???

Have so much going through my head that I don't know where to start.  I have one question in particular that I'm yearning for its answer, but it might be best if I wait.

7 Days

Withdrawl for a whole week.  I need to not start missing him on the 1st day.

Everyone Can Use an Encouraging Word

"You're gonna get to Philly and you're gonna fall out with your friends, and you're gonna fall out with your boyfriend, if you have one, and you're not gonna like your job, and you probably won't get into Temple."

...thanks Mom

Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

July 24th-30th 2011.  The week I will hopefully be moving out of my uncle's house and back to Philly.  I never would have thought I'd be saying that, but different circumstances in my life have made me realize that this is what I need to do.  My life ever since I got a job has been work and home...not exactly exciting.  Even before then I had thoughts of leaving, but my parents didn't want me to go so I've been putting up with it.  But I'm 22 years old.  I'm still young.  There's no reason I should be living like a 37 year old.  I love my parents, but I refuse to look back on my life in 20 years and remember this time as the time my life was completely and utterly boring when it should be "the good times".  I'm sure my life wouldn't be nearly as blah as it is now if I lived in Brooklyn or Manhattan because I have friends out there, but I don't.  Also, I think it would be senseless to move out there if I can live somewhere 40 minutes away, free of charge.  Of course, I'm still applying to grad school, Hofstra and Temple, but I still need to get a 600 on the GMAT to get into either one of those.  Not only that, but I really prefer to go back to Temple because I believe it is the superiour school.  However,  the school (and most top schools) really pushes that its applicants have about 2 years of work experience, something that I don't believe everyone's that has been telling me I should have stayed in school understands.  Being that I don't even have a full year, I'm pretty sure my chances are very slim.  Aside from my own doubts, my parents don't want me to go because of money.  If I go back to Temple then "they" would have to pay the extra living expense. (I put "they" in quotes because it's really going to be my dad, while my mom will act like she pays most of it.)  Plus my sister is still in school.  So I do understand their reservations pertaining to money.  And this is where me moving to Philly on my own comes into play.  As long as I can find a job with a decent salary I don't think it should be that hard.  I've come to this decision through extensive thought and a long list of calculations.  These next few weeks will determine what will happen.  Hope it works in my favor.


...it's been real luvs --->

Did You Get My Love Letter?

            Lately I've been feeling like an insecure little girl.  No, correciton...for a while.  The last time I felt insecure I was in middle school.  Then one day I told myself that I would never let anyone make me feel like that again.  But they say never say never right?  It's kind of hard to see him glorifying and complimenting other females when you get barely anything.  It's even harder to see this when you have to ask to be made to feel special and it still doesn't happen.  Just seems like he doesn't care...at all.  This wouldn't be an issue if I was never accustomed to it, but I was.  I don't know about you, but somebody making you feel good about yourself is a feeling that I would love to have for the rest of my life if I could.  A few weeks ago he said to me "I remember thinking when we were walking to the train "man she is so bad, and cool, and she really likes me **proceeds to smile hard**".  I told him "I wish you still felt like that", that he was beaming with joy that I liked him that much because he liked me that much.  Now I don't know if don't really know if how I feel about him really matters to him.  Sometimes I want to ask him, do you like me anymore? How many times do you have to ask to get special attention before you receive it?  I wouldn't know because I lost track of how many times I did without any results.  But why should I even have to ask?  I never have to be asked...because I already do it, because I WANT to.  Truthfully, it hurts...so much.  But I'm not going to ask anymore.  I don't have anything left in me to do so.
         
          I'm not one to hold in my feelings when it comes to matters of the heart, but I figure it'd hurt less when I don't get a response from a computer screen than an actual person.  Maybe he has a different way of showing his feelings and I don't realize it.  If that's the case, then he needs to tell me.  I don't think it will completely erase the insecurity I feel every time he makes another girl feel beautiful while I'm unsuccessfully begging for the same affections, but it's a step...I guess.


it's been real luvs --->

"God Made the Human Race..."

       As you know (or should know) I took the GMAT this past Saturday.  I really needed to get a 600 to start grad school this semester, but I didn't.  Not really a big deal to me though, because now I can go full-time instead of part-time if I start in the fall.  But that's isn't the topic of my discussion right now.  My uncle asked me "Do you think you didn't do as well because the tests are geared towards white people?"  Very confused, I replied "How so?". "You know, the verbal section is worded in the way that they speak and even the math may be hard."  "What?  Did you want the verbal section to be written in ebonics and the math be simple addition and subtraction?"  Needless to say, I was pretty offended, and shocked, by his comment.  All people in America are taught how to speak English.  Last time I checked the verbal section was written in that language.  Yes, Black people have misconstrued words and sometimes choose not to speak their sentences with proper subject-verb agreement, but that doesn't mean we should dumb down the English language, especially when it is INTEGRAL to use it correctly.  I won't sit here and act like I speak proper English 24/7, but I know full well when it is appropriate for me to do so.  In my opinion, this "appropriate" time is when there is ONLY a group of friends in the room. Unfortunately, there are too many people that don't know the difference.  Every time I hear a kid on the tv or even in person say, "What is you gonna do?" it stings.  Is that really the way you were taught in school to speak?  And let's look at the phrase "proper English"; notice I didn't say "speaking like a White person", which so many people are guilty of saying.  So to be a Black person I have to sound like I didn't have any years of education?  I have access to the same English dictionary as the White woman sitting next to me.  But I'm not pointing the finger at any one person, I'm blaming that environment.  Since when did it become ok for Black people to WANT the rest of the world to believe we are at the bottom of the barrell?  After years of our ancestors risking their lives to ensure that we will be treated with the same respect that a White man is born with this is how we show our appreciation?  And what's even worse is there are so many educated, motivated, intelligent, and inspiring Blacks in this country.  It is 2011 and we have a Black president, but neither he nor those educated Blacks are the face of our race because our race is never judged on who is at the top but on those that are at the bottom.



...it's been real luvs --->

First Time For Everything

I got drunk last night for the first time ever.  As I write this I'm recovering from what they call a hangover, squinting my eyes because it hurts to have them past halfway open.  Just popped some pills that deceived me with its short-lived instant satisfaction.  So I'm wondering...is this the fun that everybody raves about?  I can say a good 87% of what I did or said last night would have happened if I was sober.  Do I want to risk a migraine for that extra 13%?  Not really...not all.  I might get a buzz but that's it.  I can live without being drunk.  I've done it long enough and I've loved it so far.  If anyone (cuz I know there will be some people) has a problem with this they can kick bricks.  Last time I checked I can't transfer my bodily harm to someone else, so I'll pass.  Oh, I do want to say I had a good time last night.  But like I said, I can do that when I'm not on.  It really just depends on who's around me.  I'm naturally hype, it's just the presence of some people makes me put it in my back pocket.  But that's a topic for a whole other post.



...it's been real luvs --->

Doin It Again

I always seem to find myself waiting for someone that has no intentions on stopping my waiting. It's 2011 here people.  In other words, I'm getting too old for this shit lol.  But it's like a catch 22 because am I willing to lose something that is worth the wait?  Then that brings me to my next question, how long is this defined "wait"?  Technically I've been waiting for 4 years.  If you're not aware that's pretty long.  And then I'm thinking, am I even offering anything that would provoke someone to shorten the wait?  Shoot I think so!!! Of course, I'm biased though.  I've never been one to play games, but I'm thinking maybe I should take my percent down a bit.  I'm giving 91% too quickly.  Why would anyone want to be anything with me if I've already given the majority of what I have.  Then it could be the lack of males that I'm around.  Yup, I'm pretty sure if I was around more men this wouldn't be as bad.  And then there's the insecurity bullshit that I go through like once a week.  NOT COOL.  I've never been an insecure chick and I'm not about to let it keep going on.  Yea man, I need to increase my surrounding male population ASAP.  That will fix everything.  Ok maybe not everything....I'll still be 22 and single.  BUT at least it'll fix 2 out of 3 problems.


...it's been real luvs --->

p.s.  I know this post was all over the place...ish happens

I Think My Blood Pressure Is Too High

       I'm so mad right now I'm borderline shaking.  What's the cause of this anger? My uncle. I physically cannot take living with him anymore.  Every other week there's no heat, so unless the oven's on and open, I'm freezing.  I'm paying extra money for the phone with my FIOS bill that I didn't find out about until I got my first bill.  Normally I wouldn't mind, since I don't pay rent, but it's the principle.  You don't put items in people's names without telling them.  And he doesn't even use his house phone.  But he says he needs it for the fax for this internet company he's trying to start.  THAT WAS FOUR WEEKS AGO!!! You know what he's doing now?! Fucking Cash4Gold!!! Are you KIDDING ME?!  So you see why I'm mad that I'm paying for a service that isn't needed.  Then there's the issue with him using my grandmother's car.  Once again he has her car and has taken it over.  This is the third car.  And this one is brand new.  She's only had it for maybe 6 months and he has it 75% of the time...even telling her she can't use it when he needs it.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  He's not paying ANYTHING on that car.  And she's also paying his parking tickets.  My grandma isn't working, she gets social security.  What kind of grown ass man has his mother paying all his bills while he's doing nothing.  It really hit home the last time I spoke to her about it.  She looked so sad.  And let me make this clear...my grandma never gets sad.  This is exactly why I'm losing respect for him.  I believe in helping family out, but I'm totally against it when they aren't trying to help themselves first.  He uses me to try to get my dad to pay for things, like the heat bill.  He even tried to get him to pay for the basement to be renovated.  But my dad isn't trying to give him a cent, regardless if I'm living there or not.  And I don't blame him...I even told him I don't want him to give my uncle money.  If I want to tough it out that's on me.  What I really don't appreciate is that my uncle tries to pit me against my dad, saying that I'm his daughter and since I'm living here he should be paying to help me out, nobody told him to have two families.  NO that's BULLSHIT!  Nobody told my uncle to stop working and walk around with him hand out.  If I wasn't living there who would pay these bills huh?  So no I'm not trying to hear that shit.  This morning though...this morning was the last straw.  My dad went out of town so long story short, everybody switched cars around.  I got my grandma's cuz my uncle had it and my sister has mine.  As I'm driving to work (rushing) the freakin gas light comes on.  I wasn't even halfway to work!!!  He couldn't have told me there was no gas in the car?! It's just common courtesy.  And I'm even more pissed cuz I just PUT gas in my car.  Please believe I will be giving him the car back just the way that he gave it to me. 

        But what no one in my family realizes is that I endure all of this to spare THEIR feelings.  I was fine with that up until today.  I need to move out and have some talks with a few family members because I can't do this anymore.  I refuse to get to the point where my losing weight or my hair is falling out.  And I have the GMAT coming up in about a week, I don't need to be stressed right now. Honestly I can count on one hand how many times I've been stressed out like this.  If I sit still enough I can feel my blood pumping through my veins.  THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!  The only way for me to come down from this high of anger is to do something stupid and impulsive.  We'll see how that goes.


...it's been real luvs --->

Realization...Don't Blow It

Taking the GMAT in under two weeks.  It's finally hit me that there is a possibility that I won't reach my goal.  And I only have once chance to do it.  That's scary as shit.