How Does This Work?

It's crazy how you can go from wanting to see someone everyday and needing to talk to him or her everyday, for two years of your life and then one day the person is non-existent to you.  The idea of this just crossed my mind and I'd rather write it down now and rid it from my brain than have it dwell in my subconscious and run the risk of opening that part of my emotions that I would like to keep hidden from myself for as long as I can. I've done such a great job of blocking it out, that I don't even remember the day (or care to), shoot, I barely remember the month.
But something even more baffling, yet amazing at the same time, is how music can bring you back to a certain memory or feeling.  For the initial stages of my break up, the only thing I listened to was Frank Ocean's Channel Orange.  Then I found out everything else that was going on and suddenly it represented the culmination of all of my emotions.  Thankfully Kendrick Lamar's good kid, maad city came out a week prior and I submerged myself into that.  Today someone tweeted a lyric from Super Rich Kids.  I loved that song.  But for the life of me, now I can't listen to it.  I can't listen to that whole album.  And actually, the more that I think about it that actually pisses me off. I just wonder how long it will take before I can hear it again and be absolutely ok.  But for now, or any time soon, I won't be testing anything out.

Oh You Mad?

Don't ever be mad at me for something stupid.  And by stupid I mean something that doesn't show me justification for someone to be upset about.  Because I'm just...not going to care.  Like at all.  Actually when I do think about it, it will provide me with a totally humorous thought. People that do this remind me of spoiled little children that don't get their way.  And I've always had fun spiting spoiled children.  The look on their faces is just so hilarious.  So really, thanks for being a rotten little squirt. *wink and the gun*

Two Things...

As I was standing in my bathroom trying to hold my pee because I was greeted with one sheet of toilet paper , I realized something about myself. There are two main traits about me that have driven most of the bad outcomes that I encounter: procrastination and laziness. For the past 3 or so years I haven't been able to keep weight on for anything.  My ideal weight is 113, 114, but I've been chillin at 110 for years now.  For the longest I was trying to figure out what changed, but I think I know now.  My eating habits changed and I stopped dancing.  Yes, the start of the change in my eating habits began when I was depressed over the break up of my first real relationship, but let's just be real, after I got over that my behind just got too lazy to cook on the regular.  And dancing, I've done the research out here for a good school and I've found places.  So why haven't I gone?  Because I'm too lazy to get my behind up and take my ass there or to actually try if I have to audition.  If it wasn't for procrastination and laziness, I'd probably be at least getting ready to enter my second semester of grad school.  But I have every "justifiable" excuse why I couldn't.  For situations like this I sadly need some outside motivation, but that's a different topic, for a different day. Let's stay on topic.  Cyber Monday recently passed and I bought a ton of ish that I didn't even remember until I opened the packages.  Turns out I bought basically two of the same top.  All because I procrastinated and was down to the very last minutes on two different sites before finally submitting my order.  Now I have to spend money to ship back the top I don't want when I got it with free shipping.  Lastly, the reason why I was standing in the bathroom this morning trying to hold my pee...because I procrastinated with changing the freakin roll.  It was down to about 4 sheets all day yesterday.  I knew what was going to happen.  It's time to change all this.  I know it's the end of the year but I'm not one to make resolutions for the new year.  Plus this is something I want to change for the rest of my life.  Do I think I'll see a drastic change in myself any time soon?  No.  Do I think I'll see a drastic change in myself period? No (I've found that in some cases waiting until the last minutes gives me some sort of thrill). But I will say this.  I will change my habits when they hinder me from at least getting in the groove of something, because once I'm there, there's no stopping me.

Surprise, Surprise

I've had people say to me "you'll be ok" "time will pass" "you deserved better anyway" and blah, blah, blah.  All encouraging words, yes, but it all means nothing when your going through heartbreak. It's been less than a month since my ex, who I was madly in love with, confessed that he was cheating on me for close to a year.  That moment felt like I had stopped breathing, possibly even living. But the crazy thing is, I couldn't even shed a tear. All cried out probably, because Lord knows I've done my share.  If you would have asked me months ago hypothetically how I would be, I'd probably say I wouldn't be eating, going out, or talking to anyone.  And I shocked the shit out of my own damn self because I'm doing all of that.  I think it's because really I knew I needed to let him go a while ago...and most of all that I DO deserve 10x better than him.  Even though there may be a sign or two of depression in my life (my place looks a effing mess), I'm getting the urges to turn them around.  And yea I had one of my "outta control" days...so what? It helped. Bottom line is I'm ok.  As much as someone will want to question that about me, it only matters what I know.  From time to time, I do think I may be depressed and don't realize it or masking my feelings with (somewhat) attention from other guys.  However, at the end of the day it's just me...by myself, which should be the worst time ever for me.  But guess what homeboys and homegirls, it's not.  Not even a little bit.  And that...that's what makes me smile.

One Simple Phrase

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for." This just spoke to me on so many levels. There's so many things I could and should be doing with myself right now.  Think I'm going to put this on my wall.

I Used To Be in Love With This Guy

I wish that statement could have been true. I wish I could turn off the fact that I'm extremely worried about him, even though he broke my heart in the worst way possible without even a care about me. I wish he wasn't in love with another girl. I wish he would care that he hurt me too and not just that he hurt her. I wish he wasn't so damaged. I wish I didn't tell her to give him another chance because I can't take knowing he's hurt. I wish I didn't still care more about his feelings than mine. I wish he could have seen that I wasn't going to leave him. I wish I didn't wake up still thinking about him. I wish I could let him go like that. I wish this pain would go away. I wish I could just not care. But most of all I wish I could say I used to be in love with this guy.

It's Been So Long

I haven't posted any on this blog for almost 2 years.  I don't know why I stopped because I could truly use some type of release at least once a week.Well a quick update on my life: I've been in Philadelphia for a little over a year and a half now, been with my boyfriend for almost 2, and have been working at the same place for a year. Even though I haven't been back for that long, being in Philly...or more so being completely on my own, I should say...has taught me so much. Every factor in my life has taught me something new.  My friends, my job, my boyfriend.  I've learned I can't put all of my focus into my friends.  At least not my group.  I love them, but they've definitely taught me to venture out and meet new people. People I love hanging out with.  I would have never done that two years ago.  It's like I stayed in my own little shell. I don't know why, that's just the way I was. But I realized my friends are going to do their own thing and not always with me, so I had to start adopting the same mentality.  And I'm alot happier for it. Thanks to my job, I've figured out how smart I am. And it's a lot smarter than I thought I was.  People are pulling me to help them left and right all day long.  But my job title and salary says differently.  I originally told myself I'd give it until my year is up before I leave, but I had to be realistic about that.  That's not to say leaving there isn't in the back of my mind.  However, I recently have been appointed to a new boss, who is new to the company as a whole, so I'm hoping he'll act quickly to get things moving in my direction (i.e. a promotion) since he's realizing I do a ton more than what I was hired to do.  But I'm not relying on him.  After all, when we got a VP for my dept I thought things would change, I would be more involved, yet he basically done nothing.  So I'm not 100% gung ho on this new guy, but we'll see.  The good thing, though, is that other people are seeing my potential and trying to move me to their dept so hopefully the next time I post I can share some good news.  Lastly, my boyfriend has taught me to be my own person and not to worry about what other people think.  He certainly marches to the beat of his own drum, and as much as I was originally uncomfortable with it, I'm gradually accepting it and adopting the principle into my own life.  I came from a group of people that, no matter how much they want to deny it, were only ok with doing things as long as the "cool" group thought it was ok.  I refuse to continue to live my life like that.  I've missed out on so much just because of that mentality.  The mentality to be accepted by everyone.  But I'm growing and I'm letting that train of thought go. Because of my childhood, I especially was concerned with what people thought of me.  But this guy...this guy doesn't care, and I admire him so much for it.  I'll admit I criticize him for it from time to time and it's tearing us apart, but I'm trying my hardest to stop.  It's really an insecurity in myself that I need to get over.  I've already faced it, now I just need to let it go.  Anyway, that's all for now.  I hope I'll be back before the next year, but I know I'll always look back to this place.  It's like a time capsule.  I read a few of my posts from last year and was so proud of myself.  Although I'm not in grad school yet (I was right about that 2 year work experience), I'm planning to start this upcoming spring semester.  I've planned to move to Philly in the last week in July and ended up moving in mid-April.  I had until August 15th (had a sub-lease) to find a job in order to stay and was hired August 5th. Thank God for that one, because I certainly wasn't ready to go back home yet.  Eventually I'll find myself back in Long Island.  When?  That I'm not sure of.  I'd say soonest when I'm done with grad school.  And hopefully my boyfriend is ok with the move, because I do honestly see myself marrying him.  With his flaws and all, he just needs some time to grow, and I've seen his potential.  But there's no way in hell I'm raising a child in Philadelphia so we'll see what happens.  So as usual,


it's been real luvs --->

Sometimes It's Better to Go With the Flow

Sitting in Bobby's Burger Palace, feeling like I'm on our first date again.  Butterflies float around in my stomach as it seems like I'm looking at this man for the first time.  Maybe because this is the first time I'm seeing him in his scrubs, or perhaps its the amount of time that has passed since our last encounter.  Either way he appears to be more mature.  He looks sexy in his scrubs that he still has on from work.  His hair is sans curls, accentuating the birthmark by his right eye.  Eventually I get the courage to speak, "You know, for someone who claims he loves me you rarely ever say it."  He stares at me with his eyes slightly squinted and leans in, "Really?" "Uh, yea", I sarcastically reply.  He sits back and does his famous head titled to the left, eyes looking to the ceiling routine.  That's his "I'm about to do something crazy, but should I really go through with it?" face.  Next thing I know he's standing up with his arms outstreched, "I-".  "NO Stop!!" I immediately interject and beg him to sit down.  What was he going to say?  I don't know.  But I know he'll find any reason to make a scene.  (Yea that's something that I've learned to always be prepared for, though the "this can't be happening" feeling still comes along. )  After what felt like a whole 10 minutes of waiting for him to sit down, I had to ask, "what were you going to say?"  He replies with a combination that he has no idea drives me crazy.  A light laugh, with a smirk on his face, followed by him looking into my eyes.  "I love this girl."

...maybe next time I should keep my mouth shut.