Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

July 24th-30th 2011.  The week I will hopefully be moving out of my uncle's house and back to Philly.  I never would have thought I'd be saying that, but different circumstances in my life have made me realize that this is what I need to do.  My life ever since I got a job has been work and home...not exactly exciting.  Even before then I had thoughts of leaving, but my parents didn't want me to go so I've been putting up with it.  But I'm 22 years old.  I'm still young.  There's no reason I should be living like a 37 year old.  I love my parents, but I refuse to look back on my life in 20 years and remember this time as the time my life was completely and utterly boring when it should be "the good times".  I'm sure my life wouldn't be nearly as blah as it is now if I lived in Brooklyn or Manhattan because I have friends out there, but I don't.  Also, I think it would be senseless to move out there if I can live somewhere 40 minutes away, free of charge.  Of course, I'm still applying to grad school, Hofstra and Temple, but I still need to get a 600 on the GMAT to get into either one of those.  Not only that, but I really prefer to go back to Temple because I believe it is the superiour school.  However,  the school (and most top schools) really pushes that its applicants have about 2 years of work experience, something that I don't believe everyone's that has been telling me I should have stayed in school understands.  Being that I don't even have a full year, I'm pretty sure my chances are very slim.  Aside from my own doubts, my parents don't want me to go because of money.  If I go back to Temple then "they" would have to pay the extra living expense. (I put "they" in quotes because it's really going to be my dad, while my mom will act like she pays most of it.)  Plus my sister is still in school.  So I do understand their reservations pertaining to money.  And this is where me moving to Philly on my own comes into play.  As long as I can find a job with a decent salary I don't think it should be that hard.  I've come to this decision through extensive thought and a long list of calculations.  These next few weeks will determine what will happen.  Hope it works in my favor.


...it's been real luvs --->

Did You Get My Love Letter?

            Lately I've been feeling like an insecure little girl.  No, correciton...for a while.  The last time I felt insecure I was in middle school.  Then one day I told myself that I would never let anyone make me feel like that again.  But they say never say never right?  It's kind of hard to see him glorifying and complimenting other females when you get barely anything.  It's even harder to see this when you have to ask to be made to feel special and it still doesn't happen.  Just seems like he doesn't care...at all.  This wouldn't be an issue if I was never accustomed to it, but I was.  I don't know about you, but somebody making you feel good about yourself is a feeling that I would love to have for the rest of my life if I could.  A few weeks ago he said to me "I remember thinking when we were walking to the train "man she is so bad, and cool, and she really likes me **proceeds to smile hard**".  I told him "I wish you still felt like that", that he was beaming with joy that I liked him that much because he liked me that much.  Now I don't know if don't really know if how I feel about him really matters to him.  Sometimes I want to ask him, do you like me anymore? How many times do you have to ask to get special attention before you receive it?  I wouldn't know because I lost track of how many times I did without any results.  But why should I even have to ask?  I never have to be asked...because I already do it, because I WANT to.  Truthfully, it hurts...so much.  But I'm not going to ask anymore.  I don't have anything left in me to do so.
         
          I'm not one to hold in my feelings when it comes to matters of the heart, but I figure it'd hurt less when I don't get a response from a computer screen than an actual person.  Maybe he has a different way of showing his feelings and I don't realize it.  If that's the case, then he needs to tell me.  I don't think it will completely erase the insecurity I feel every time he makes another girl feel beautiful while I'm unsuccessfully begging for the same affections, but it's a step...I guess.


it's been real luvs --->