Wasn't Gonna Do This

Was just starting to think it was safe
To let my thoughts roam free in this mental space
Had you locked away in the backroom to the right
The one with no windows to let in the sunlight
[Damn, I said I wasn't gonna do this.]
Figured if I left you in there long enough you'd die away
Afterall, all God's creatures need his nectar to remain
Ok, I'll admit I never really hid the key
Kept it under the door of the room where you'd be
{Can't believe I'm doing this.}
But you already knew all that
Cause you're standing here without a smile for your face to crack
Please don't go, first let me explain
And I hope you really listen because I don't want to say this in vain
[Am I really doing this?]
I'll cut the chit chat and make a long story short
You're the best thing that ever happened to me...and the worst.
So for that, pieces of my heart aren't over you yet
In other words, I'm not ready to play this game of forgive and forget
{Yea, I'm really doing this.}
So until then can you go back to that corner of my cranium
Sorry for the lack of company, I no longer care for the rest of them
But I'll leave the key right where you discovered it
As long as you promise to only come out once in a blue to hover a bit
[There's no way I'm gonna do this.]
Yea, I did say I was gonna explain, well I lied
I'm tryna be like you, you like it? I think it's fly
Well all jokes aside, this is where I bid you au dieu
Until you're ready to tell me the truth too
Then we'll have a do-over one of these days
But for now I need to close this door 'cause this is where I need you to stay
{I said I wasn't gonna do this....so I'm not.}

...it's been real luvs ---> DEUCES

I Don't Have Your Golden Slippers...

::sighs:: So this guy Stache strikes again. Even when I think this he's out of my life he always pops back up to remind me he's not completely gone yet. He randomly texts me saying "send me a naked pic quik...plz". Oh yes, because the "plz" made it better. You know if that actually made me angry I'd tell him to kick rocks with Jesus sandals on...oh and I hope you stub you're toe as bad as I did. (No, seriously I stubbed my toe like a mutha last night and it still hurts.) But it didn't make me upset, it actually made me laugh. Yea, I know something's wrong with me...we've established this already. Instead I proceeded to answer like he asked for a regular favor, "um I'm not home right now, but I'm sure I wasn't the last person on the list so all hope isn't lost". Well I guess he took that as sarcasm because he said the convo was over. Honestly I like when we have these convos because I find out that I piss him off every time without even trying. I mean sh*t, you start the convo off retarded and I'll end it that way. Well I guess I should start buying him panties since every time we talk he gets his in a bunch. That's the least I can do right?

...it's been real luvs --->DEUCES

I Wanna Be Like You...But Like Me...

Sitting here watching Aaliyah's "More Than a Woman" video (yea I'm still watchin VH1 Soul) and I have to laugh to myself how much I tried to be like her...but with my own twist. Instead of all my hair of my eye I had a bang. Wore my stomach out whenever I could, so she's probably the reason for my obsession with my stomach/getting abs. Any Halloween I wore I costume I was her. The only thing I didn't get from Aaliyah was my desire to dance...that might've started with Ms. Jackson. I love remembering things about myself.

....its been real luvs --->DEUCES

"Do You Know Who I Am?!"....

"Yea I know who you are, I just said your name Nia" - Touch the Sky video
I love that video; has me dying EVERY time. That was the first time I saw Lupe Fiasco. I mean I've heard of him before that but when I saw him I thought he was toooo fine. Not necessarily the case anymore, but he still looks good in that video.

....it's been real luvs --->DEUCES

Notebooks...

I've always had a thing for them. Back in 8th grade I had a small one with a hard cover, covered with different color flowers all over (came with a set). I think that's where my randomness started. I would write the most random of things down, like my top 10 songs or baby names. Then I moved to a purple spiral notebook. (Ever since every notebook had to be purple and standard size.) In this one I wrote short stories and my days of poetry began. In the past 8 years I've had only 3 notebooks, only buying a new one when I think the last one is full enough. I say "full enough" because each one has empty pages since I skip pages wherever I feel (that's the randomness again). But these notebooks are a piece of me. Anywhere I go for more than 2 weeks I have to take all of them with me. If I leave them it's like leaving me behind. They're so sacred to me that I only write in them with pens I really like and if my handwritting isn't up to par (I have different handwrittings, don't ask) I'm liable to rewrite everything on the next page (no rip-outs). But what I love about my notebooks is I can see how I've grown and changed. It's funny seeing the 14 year old me compared to me at 17. I just hope it's not a habit that I grow out of. I would love to read what I was thinking/feeling at 21 when I'm 40.

...it's been real luvs --->DEUCES

Why the Hell Am I Still Up...

...if I could answer that question for you I would but I can't, so that's that. Anyway for the past 18 minutes (yea I said 18) I've been thinking about what it would feel like to enforce the heartbreak on every man that has broken my heart. I immediately think of three guys, which scares me because I've always tried to deny to myself (and everybody else) that I have had deep feelings for the second man. Now that I think of it, I probably can't really call it "heartbreak" since I haven't been in love since the first guy...well if I was I wasn't aware of it. (Na I couldn't have been) But they definitely made a deep impact. I'm sitting here imagining how it would feel to tell each of them that after everything I don't care about you and I'm not really interested to know how you feel, but you'll be aight. Surprisingly no smile comes to my face with this thought, which I really don't understand. Could be that I've tried payback on one of them and it didn't work...(it actually backfired on me and I ended up with having feelings again [real nice]) or could be that I would really rather just be happy again and in love with someone else. It's a feeling I've been missing for too long now and I'm realizing that this could possibly be why my current hiatus from men has been the absolute pitts. Now this has me thinking even more.

...it's been real luvs --->DEUCES

Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard Of

My dad and his girlfriend are gone for the week and I have to stay here every night to watch my little sister. At the forefront it doesn't seem that bad because she's gone majority of the day at camp and I just have to be here for her to go to sleep. With normal children I could leave after she falls asleep but supposedly she tends to wake up randomly in the night. But this part right here is what really really irks my soul. I have to stay here while my grandfather, 19-year-old cousin, and 27-year-old brother stay here. Honestly I find it to be one of the most idiotic ideas I've ever heard of. And my dad claims he has good reasons as to why all three of them aren't suitable for the job. Regarding my cousin, he says he doesn't want to put that responsibility on her. But my little sister if effing 11 years old; it's not like the girl's a baby, my cousin doesn't have to do really anything. Plus I don't like that my dad isn't respecting her as an adult. Now on to my grandpa. See I understand that my grandpa lives like he's my age now (coming home til 3 am and what not), but I really don't think if they told him that he had to watch his granddaughter for a week that he would say "can't do it, I got a few parties coming up". And if I said that to my dad I'm pretty sure he'd go back to this bs that my little sister doesn't like staying in the house with my grandfather alone. Now ish like this would've never been able to fly if me or my other sister would've said something like this to either of my parents. My dad and his girlfriend just spoil my little sister and let her get away with crap that she shouldn't. She can only get away with what they allow her to get away with. Last but not least, their problem with my brother. In a nutshell, they don't trust him and treat him like a child. They treat him like a child because they can't trust him. But he doesn't know how to earn trust since they don't give him any responsibility for him to act older than a child. Plus he stays here rent free...make his ass do something man!! So utimately my problem is that I'm being inconvenienced because my dad and his girlfriend don't trust anybody just based on them not giving anyone a chance. Well that's all for tonight. I wouldn't doubt if I have a rant per day this week. You've been warned.

...it's been real luvs --->DUECES

I Could Write A Book on Relationships...

I've always been one to give out relationship advice. I couldn't really tell you why my friends come to me, being that I haven't been in an actual relationship in 3 years, but I like being that person. One of the reasons could be that I try to be very understanding, try to look at the issue from both person's perspectives. I get that from my dad. He always told me that females overanalyze everything and males underanalyze everything. (Therefore the underlying cause of most arguments and disagreements.) I keep this piece of knowledge in mind every time I'm given a situation. Sometimes this results in the advice asker getting upset with my suggestion, but if you're asking for someone else's opinion always be prepared for it to possibly go against your's. At the same time though, I won't make anybody fulfill my suggestion because at the end of the day I'm still boyfriend-less, so how much could I really know, right? Honestly, I don't really believe that but that 's my reason for not pushing. All relationships come down to understanding, compromise, and trust. All relationships also involve two people, so if only one person is willing to work at it, it will have a low chance at succeeding. What I'm starting to realize my personal problem is, is that I'm always the person that puts so much into the relationship that there is no room for it to be 50/50. But you know how it goes; you can give advice but you can't follow it (supposedly a Virgo trait). However, I'm going to keep this in mind when it come to my future relationships. Until then though...

...it's been real luvs --->DEUCES

Good Guys...Is There Really Such A Thing?

A friend of mine told me that I don't know how to appreciate good guys. At first I took it to offense because I'm big on showing appreciation, but then I realized he said this because (he thinks) he is one and our relationship isn't going exactly the way he wants, but it still made me think. Are there really any guys that are "good" or "bad" from the start? I can point out every guy that has told me he was the good guy and then ended up being the bad guy. And I'm not going to lie, I do have my moments when I think it's me, but regardless if part of the downfall was my fault, the guy's transformation into the "bad" guy is all him. I realize though that there is no transformation. Every man has it in him to be a good guy or a bad guy; it's just a matter of which one he wants to show. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe every female is the "good girl" because we aren't. Even I've had times when I was the "bad girl"; called myself trying to be "like a guy". But why when women call themselves "not giving a f*ck" it's considered acting like a guy. My theory: clearly men, in general, know how to close up better than we do. Since females are emotional creatures by nature, I believe that gives us the ability to better handle our emotions. I was once told that men are stronger than women physically, but we are stronger than them internally. As a result, when men have one bad experience that causes the "bad" guy to come out, for how long depends on each individual. So now the question is when will I find that man that's over being his "bad guy"?

...it's been real luvs ---> DUECES